Dick. I know I want it.
Ass. He knows that he wants it, but he’s one of those “100% tops.”
You know, the ignorant kind who thinks that my anus can be treated like a vagina. The top that thinks that I’m ready to bend over the second he wants to bend me over. But for those of us who receive dick, we scoff at the audacity.
I put in a lot of effort to properly and thoroughly prepare for my “hit it and quit its,” my second team, and my Head Dick in Charge. But most tops, in my experience, depreciate my efforts of ensuring that my anus is fully prepared and not fully loaded. The following serves three purposes: This is an ode to those of us who take it in the butt, it’s a PSA for those curious and or ignorant to what those receiving dick in the butt can experience, and this is my experience. I want to share this with you because when you know better you do better, and you can only do better when you know better.
1. A rosebud by any other name is not a rosebud.
Names matter. They’re just as important as the pronouns we employ. While you flirt or finalize business hours, articulate what you’d like him to call you and your body parts. Asking me if you can “get some pussy” will result in me looking at you quite dumbfounded. It’s not a bussy. It’s not a boy pussy. It’s not a boogina. It’s an ass. I can even settle for you referencing my rosebud as a “second hole.” You can even call it “It.” In fact, let me inform you that you’re hitting “it” right by telling you what you’re penetrating.
2. Sh#t happens.
Literally. When I first started out in this thing we call “bottoming,” I simply thought a nice wipe around would suffice. I didn’t know what an enema was. I never heard of douching, but I knew that my insides had to be in order. True story: Someone shat on me, and it was then that I set out to find ways to never doodoo on dzaddy’s dick. For those of us who bottom, it is imperative that you keep your Sherwin Williams collection away from your top. You know your insides better than he does. If you plan on getting some tonight, don’t have a cheeseburger — go for the hamburger. Actually, stay away from dairy altogether on the date of inception.
For those of us who bottom, it is quite essential that you have what I coined a THOT diet. The day I know I’m going to allow some top to experience the wonders of my ass, it’s a lot of water, some almond milk, a nice salad (to be consumed no later than 1:30 p.m.), beef jerky, and Wheat Thins.
You should also be aware of the type of dick that plans to be inserted. The bigger it is, the deeper it will go. Don’t be lazy when you clean yourself. If you know that the walls of Jerichoare going to fall, than you better evacuate and remove all unwanted tenants beforehand. You’ll need an additional 10 to 20 minutes. But if your prerogative is to have your prostate sing in three-part harmony, then you better make sure you’ve warmed up and flushed out so there’s room for him to help you reach those high notes.
3. I, too, eat.
Some tops believe that when they call you for some ass, you should be ready at that moment. Last I checked, sex is not the return of Jesus Christ: so stop acting as if your dick is the second coming. I make it perfectly clear to all tops who aspire to engage in sex with me that they can hit me up at dinner time if they want to, but the answer’s no. And if they hit me up when I’m about to KO, the answer will be no. I work. Douching is a job, too.
The earlier they let me know that they want it, the sooner I can adjust my diet. So hit me up while I’m there so I can plan accordingly. For those of us who bottom, “No” is a complete sentence. Trust me, he’ll find another anus to rummage through.
4. Listen to your body.
Enemas aren’t so bad — once you find the right one. I personally prefer a mineral-enhanced enema — they’re no more than $4 at CVS or Walgreens. I used to go hard on the enema, though. I mean, I’d spend at least 90 minutes flushing out my insides — like, my intestines. That’s not OK. I’ve learned that it doesn’t take all that, unless you really went hard at the Cheesecake Factory or on some lo mein. It’s on those nights that you have to be honest and listen to your gut — literally. If you’ve been flushing yourself out and it’s been 30 or 40 minutes, call it off. That booboo water can reach your brain.
5. Life and death are in the power of the tongue.
I want my penetrator to let me know how much they appreciate me taking time out of my day to prepare for them. Foreplay encourages my rosebud. Tops should use their tongue to water your garden so you can open up for them. That doesn’t mean lube doesn’t help. For those of us who receive dick, lube is like a turbo shot added to our morning macchiato. There are plenty of lubes to choose from: silicone, liquid, aloe. Please note: Baby oil, petroleum jelly, and Jergens cocoa butter are not the safest of choices. Don’t let tops try to ram all of that penile power into your rose flower. It can hurt you.
Where you allow him to ejaculate matters. No one likes the stealthing method. Some of us may even find him spilling seed within us intimate. Either way, how about you discuss becoming a Toaster Strudel or Twinkie before you make him decide for you.
6. Breathe, stretch, shake, and use your words.
It’s time for penetration. Figure out which position works best for you. I’ve personally learned that if you put me on my side, you just may slide in with ease. Some of us may be ready to be face down, ass up. Either way, you are allowing worship to happen within your temple. As head usher, you direct patrons to their designated area. Remember that.
With most — if not all — workout regimens, it’s important to stretch. Bottoming requires that we summon the skills of the gymnast and the yoga instructor. Bottoming is exhausting — when done right. You are the expert with regard to your body. If you need a beat to take it in, take that moment. Blood and bottoming is never OK. So loosen up, open those hips, and receive him.
7. Specifically for you tops.
If I am spending all this time on my hands and knees purging, denying that piece of strawberry cheesecake and those crab rangoon, then your dick game better be on point. There’s nothing more infuriating than adjusting for an inconsiderate and inexperienced top. You better treat my ass like it’s “best friend, best friend, that’s my best friend.” You know what a good, clean ass feels like. You know what it smells like. You also know what it shouldn’t smell like. My ass smells of eucalyptus and peppermint, so you better … “aye.”