Today I feel empty, and I know exactly why. I have run the course of depression and I have cried all the tears I needed to shed for now. I don’t know what the future is going to hold, but I am coping with my “right now.” Crying was cathartic and now I don’t have anything left to let go, so I am feeling empty inside; particularly in my heart. I am almost ashamed to admit that I feel this sense of emptiness because what if it means there is something wrong with me?
There’s nothing “wrong with me” because emotions are neither right or wrong; they simply are.
In reality, I am depleted and it’s okay to feel that way. I accept that this is where my mind and body are at right now. I don’t like it, but it is what it is. I do know that this numbness will pass. I am aware that just like the intense feelings of sadness went away, so will these feelings of vacantness.
It’s hard to type these words; they don’t seem to mean anything. My eyes feel like melted wax and my body feels strangely light, like I am floating above everything. It’s a gross feeling and I would like to come down to earth, but I feel a sense calm. I’m oddly “okay” in this numbness. Linkin Park has that song “Numb,” which I turn to during these periods. These episodes of numbness seem to be my body and mind’s way of resting after an emotional thunderstorm. When you run a marathon (for example) it’s tiring on your mind and taxing on your body. You need to rest and it’s important to honor that.
It’s the same concept with emotional overload. When there is an influx of emotions that one can’t control, it’s crucial to your self-care to rest after a taxing emotional experience. I am trying to be kind to myself and not judge this empty feeling. Yeah it sucks, but what can I do? I have to ride it out. Sometimes we (as human beings) feel empty inside and it’s okay to feel those feelings.
The weird thing for me is that I have intermittent feelings of panic combined with emptiness. I am feeling empty and then I begin to panic when I feel numb. The numbness causes me to feel anxiety. I start thinking things like:
Why do I feel “nothing?”
Will I ever feel again?
What’s wrong with me?
Am I a zombie now?
Can I ever feel happiness again?
I’m not a clinical psychologist, but I know that I will feel happiness again. I’m going to get through this rough period and I will feel again. It’s understandable (particularly for someone who has anxiety like me) to be fearful that I won’t be able to feel emotions again. It’s about acknowledging those anxious feelings and assuaging them with logic. Is it likely I will feel “numb forever?” It’s unlikely that this will happen because human beings have a wide spectrum of emotions, and I am a human being and not a robot, though I’ve wanted to be a robot so many times.
If you’re feeling numb at the moment, please know that it will pass. Be warm and caring to yourself and put yourself first. Treat yourself like a small child that needs your attention. You will heal, you will live a full life with an array of emotions. This is temporary just like it is for me.
A version of this post was previously published on huffpost.com and is republished here with permission from the author.
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